


you think you're tough (but i've figured you out)

by kelstabulous



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6826603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelstabulous/pseuds/kelstabulous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers met Darcy Lewis on a Thursday.</p><p>Darcy Lewis didn’t speak to Steve Rogers until thirty-eight Thursdays later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you think you're tough (but i've figured you out)

**Author's Note:**

> There's no smut, just a lot of cursing, hence the rating. :)

 

History liked to paint Captain America as the perfect Boy Scout – he didn’t curse, didn’t drink or smoke, and was nothing if not impeccably polite. While that description might be true for the Star Spangled Man with a Plan, Steve Rogers was the complete opposite. Steve Rogers could curse a blue streak that would make a sailor blush, loved to end the night with a cold beer, and was an absolute nightmare before coffee. It was this last characteristic that found him in the communal Avengers kitchen early on a Thursday morning, and the first characteristic that found him stringing together profanities at an indifferent coffee maker.

“Motherfucking piece of goddamn shit, why the fuck don’t we just get a goddamn regular coffee pot instead of this frou-frou fancy shit?” Steve mumbled as he pressed a random series of buttons for the umpteenth time.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth, Cap?” Steve spun around to see a pint-sized woman with glasses and Spiderman pyjamas leaning against the kitchen door, nursing a steaming cup of coffee in her hands.

“How did you make it do that?” Steve pointed insistently at her. 

The woman rolled her eyes and walked towards him. “Hi, I’m Darcy, it’s nice to meet you too. Would you like some help?” She tossed the remark at him sarcastically, nudging him out of the way to program the machine. “There, an extra large black coffee. I didn’t take you for a non-fat soy latte sort of guy.” 

Steve grunted in response, and crossed his arms impatiently.

“Man of few words, I see.” Darcy hopped up on to the counter and sipped at her coffee. “I was wondering when we’d meet – I think we live on the same floor. You’re in 17704, right? I’m in Thor’s unit, just down the hall, which is why I’m up so early. He and Jane like to get an early start, to drop the hammer, if you know what I mean. Unless the history books are true, then you don’t –" 

“Are you always this goddamn talkative at six-thirty in the morning?” Steve snapped. “All I wanted was a fucking cup of coffee, not the goddamn Spanish Inquisition.” Darcy startled, and became defensive. She jumped down from the counter and glowered up into Steve’s face.

“Two people can play this game, mister.” She reached around him (which was no small feat – Steve was impressively imposing) and hit a button, stopping the coffee pot mid-percolation.

Steve’s jaw dropped. “Why did you do that?!”

Darcy smirked. “You’ll learn quickly – no one messes with Darcy Lewis. You think you’re getting the Inquisition? I’ll give you the goddamn Armada.” She raised her mug in a salute and sauntered out of the kitchen, leaving a dumbfounded Steve. As if on cue, Tony peeked around the corner and grinned.

“I see you’ve met Darcy.”

Steve blinked, not really sure of what had just happened. “THAT’S Darcy? The girl you’ve all been trying to set me up with?” Steve shook his head in disbelief. “You all must think I have a death wish.”

Tony laughed. “Cap, we all know you have a death wish. Besides, now Barton owes me twenty bucks – he figured you two would be making out like horny middle schoolers when you met, and I figured you’d try to kill each other first.” Tony fist pumped before coming over to restart the machine for Steve. “Looks like daddy is twenty smackaroos richer now!”

 Steve glared at Tony before taking his coffee. “Never call yourself Daddy in my presence again.”

 

* * *

 

Steve truly didn’t realize how dangerous it was to be on Darcy Lewis’s bad side. He’d heard stories, rumours really, but couldn’t have fathomed just the extent of her powers. He even had wanted to meet her at one point, just to find out what all the fuss was about. He had to admit that really regretted ever meeting her now.

On top of their first coffee catastrophe, Darcy managed to convince Friday to turn all of the coffee makers against him. She also had his shield painted pink and purple, changed his phone ringtone to “Party in the USA”, and had succeeded with several “Kick Me” sign sneak attacks. There were rumblings that the next attack involved kitty ears, his tactical suit, and super glue, but Natasha could neither confirm nor deny these plans.

The most impressive part of her plan, however, was that she managed all of this without speaking a single word to Steve. Whenever he tried to start conversation, she conveniently had headphones in. If he managed to catch her without them, she flat out ignored him. The other inhabitants of the Avengers Compound couldn’t help but find this hilarious – several bet pools had sprung up, ranging from when Darcy will finally give Steve the time of day to what colour shirt Steve would be wearing when it happened (blue had the best odds). Growing desperate for the pranks to stop, as well as wanting to express an apology to the petite whirling dervish, Steve approached Jane and Thor to look for a solution. They were less than helpful.

Thor’s booming laugh filled the room as soon as Steve broached the question. “Oh Captain my Captain, you mustn’t underestimate my Shield Sister the way you have! I believe you Midigardians have a saying, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’? Lady Darcy will accept an apology when she is ready, and only then. I know not one Asgardian who can hold a grievance the way my Shield Sister can – were she a goddess, she would be the patron of antipathy.”

Jane guffawed. “Until then, good luck buddy. The last time she did this she had Tony on the ropes for almost eighteen months. She only gave up when he promised to get her iPod back.”

Steve groaned. “I don’t think I can put up with eighteen months of this.”

Thor clasped Steve’s shoulder. “Fear not, Captain, for I have heard that our dear archer friend and our philanthropic benefactor have an idea. Let us summon Clinton and Anthony and he shall inform of their glorious plans.”

Steve sat through Clint and Tony’s presentation (accompanied by slideshows, pamphlets, and blueprints), and felt no more assured. “But isn’t this going to make her hate me more?”

“You don’t know Darcy like we do. The girl’s gonna respect you even more if you can rise to her level.” Clint stated matter of factly.

Tony nodded enthusiastically. “Besides, this is better than constantly being one upped by the girl who regularly wears a unicorn onesie to work, isn’t it?”

Steve sighed. “If I can’t beat ‘em, I guess I’m gonna have to join ‘em.”

 

* * *

 

It had been thirty-eight weeks since what had come to be known as “Coffeegate”. Steve had taken Tony and Clint’s advice and changed his tactics, and began to fight fire with fire. Darcy’s coffee had been replaced with decaf at least fifteen times, all of the music on her iPod had been switched to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” (although Steve wasn’t sure why Tony had assured him that this was the greatest of assaults), and he had perfected the art of the prank call. The Avengers team was more divided than they had been during the Sokovia Accords – everyone had chosen a side, and there was no swaying them. Only Vision had refused to participate, as the entire ordeal was far too human for his liking.

Steve was, once again, in the kitchen, and was, once again, in a one-sided argument with the coffee maker. Mumbling obscenities under his breath, he didn’t hear the quiet patter of slippered feet enter the kitchen.

“You know, you could just ask Friday to make it for you.” Steve stopped his assault on the machine and turned slowly to face the newcomer. Darcy had clearly just rolled out of bed, as her hair was mussed and her glasses were askew. She had forgone her usual Avenger-themed pyjamas in favour of low-slung plaid pants and a white tank, but instead wore slippers designed to look like Hulk heads.

“Doll, the last time someone helped me with this machine, I ended up with my hair dyed green, among other unspeakable tortures. I don’t ask for help anymore.” Steve gave her his signature “Disappointed Cap” (copyright pending) face, but Darcy was unaffected.

“Hey, turnabout is fair play. Ask for an ass-whipping and ye shall receive.” Darcy curtseyed dramatically, and then went to find her favourite mug. She was just too short to reach the shelf where her mug sat, and despite standing on her tip-toes, couldn’t quite grasp it. Steve grinned, and snuck up behind her, trapping Darcy between the counter and his body, and reached up to grab the mug easily. 

“Looking for this?” Steve smirked, handing the mug over while quickly taking up more space. Darcy blushed and took the mug. “You know, the team’s been telling me for ages that you and I would get on pretty well, but I’m not so sure how I feel about a dame who’s such a goddamn pain in my ass.”

Darcy looked up at Steve, and said challengingly to him, “You kiss your mother with that mouth, Rogers?”

Steve chuckled, remembering their very first encounter. “Nope, can’t say I do. If I’m being honest, I’ve been saving this for someone else, someone mighty special.” He drew even closer to Darcy, so their noses were only a hair’s breadth apart.

Darcy’s breath caught, but still she raised an incredulous brow. “And who, pray tell, might that be?”

Steve smiled while leaning down to press his lips to hers. She was hesitant at first, but quickly reciprocated, reaching to wrap her free hand in his hair while his hands grasped at her waist. Both could have kissed longer, but a slow clap coming from the doorway soon interrupted them. They quickly broke apart to see Natasha and Bruce smiling knowingly at the doorway. Steve grinned sheepishly, and Darcy buried her flushing face in his shoulder.

Natasha sighed. “You couldn’t have waited one day, could you? Now I owe Tony two hundred dollars.”

 

 


End file.
